9 Things to Say When Someone Asks Why You’re Not Drinking

More people are drinking less alcohol—and sometimes, their friends take that personally. People who have ditched booze describe being hammered with questions about why they’re staying sober, treated like they’re sucking all the fun out of the room, or, if they’re women, inevitably asked if they’re pregnant.

Being prepared with a handful of comebacks when you’re encouraged to drink—or asked why you’re abstaining—can help you stick to your goals and diffuse any tension. Here, experts and sober influencers share their favorite go-to responses.

“Well, alcohol was really impacting my mental health.”

In 2020, during the long pandemic days when it felt like there was little to do but drink, Madeline Forrest realized she had a problematic relationship with alcohol. Overdoing it, which became a daily norm, “gave me crippling anxiety in the morning,” she recalls. “Even if people assured me, ‘You didn’t do anything,’ I couldn’t remember, and it sent me into this shame spiral.” She finally realized: “‘Oh my god, I can’t feel this way anymore.’”

Today, Forrest—who runs a virtual sober community called the Happiest Sober Hub—is thriving sans alcohol. But explaining herself in social situations hasn’t always been easy. In the early days, she encountered a lot of comments downplaying the way alcohol affected her. “People would say, ‘Oh, you weren’t that bad. You don’t have to stop,’” she says. “It was really hard, because I was in a place where I wasn’t comfortable with it yet. I really struggled with, ‘Am I being dramatic? Could I go back and start over?’ It makes those doubts louder.”

Read More: Why, Exactly, Is Alcohol So Bad for You?

The best way to respond to these comments, Forrest has found, is to switch the emphasis from whether she had a drinking problem—which could become a matter of debate—to the impact it had on her, which couldn’t. That means clearly and simply explaining that alcohol doesn’t mesh with her mental health. “No one can argue with that,” she says. “You’re the only one who knows your internal struggle.”

“Maybe you can just have one, but I couldn’t.”

When Forrest declines to drink, the people around her sometimes break into a similar chorus: “Just have one.” She tells them that while that might work for them, it’s not a realistic option for her, and one would turn into “one more.” That usually helps tone down the pressure, she’s found.

“Trust me—I’m more fun when I don’t drink.”

Since giving up booze, Forrest has encountered people who say that if she turns down their offer of a mojito or old-fashioned, she’s no fun. Her response? To assure them she’s actually more fun when she’s not drinking. She might laugh and add that opting out simply means there’s more for them. “If they argue with that, it tells you a lot about them,” she adds. “It’s helpful to remember that it’s not about you.”

“I’m not drinking right now.”

Five years ago, Shea Gomez took a three-month break from drinking. She felt so good, she stretched that hiatus out for another month, and then another, until deciding to go dry for good. At first, Gomez—who has since founded the online community No Booze Babes—encountered plenty of questions about why she wasn’t drinking, which rattled her. It helped to frame her decision as a temporary one, emphasizing that she wasn’t drinking at that precise moment and was taking a month or two off. “It’s easier for people to wrap their heads around a smaller timeline than if you’re like, ‘I don’t drink, period,’” she says. Buying yourself some time to become more comfortable and confident with your sobriety can help ensure that when (and if) you finally reveal you’ve quit drinking for good, you’re barely fazed by the conversation.

“I don’t drink, but I don’t mind if you do.”

Back when Gomez used dating apps, she made it clear on her profile that she didn’t drink—but was open to matching with people who did. In response to a prompt about one thing prospective dates should know about her, for example, she noted that she was sober but didn’t have anything against those who weren’t. If matches suggested going to a bar, she said she was happy to, as long as the menu included non-alcoholic options. Making your preferences clear ahead of time helps weed out people you won’t mesh well with, while alleviating pre-date jitters, Gomez found.

“I’m just here for the snacks—chips are my thing!”

This lighthearted response works well at gatherings like birthday parties and cookouts, says Amy Braun, a therapist in Chicago who doesn’t drink and works with many women who have also quit alcohol. “It shifts the conversation from what you’re not doing—drinking—to what you’re enjoying: the food that’s in front of you,” she says. “Everyone loves food, so you can go from there and make another connection,” chatting about favorite recipes or restaurants you’re eager to try.

“I’d rather wake up feeling great tomorrow.”

This is an effective way to frame not drinking as a positive choice, rather than something that needs defending. Plus, it subtly reminds people that drinking isn’t always fun the next day, Braun points out. She recommends staying casual and upbeat. “It shows that you’re confident about your choices, and you can just move the conversation along,” she adds. “People aren’t usually going to call you out or argue with you about making a positive choice.”

“I’m on a cocktail of sleep deprivation and toddler tantrums—I’m good!”

One of Braun’s go-to responses is “especially relatable for moms,” she says. “It gives a reason for not drinking without actually giving a reason.” Pairing it with a lighthearted sigh or laugh, or even an eye roll, helps ensure it lands well, she adds. “It’s humorous, and it creates that connection with other parents,” she says. The person asking about her (lack of) drinking usually laughs, and if they’re also familiar with the chaos of young kids, the two usually end up talking about parenting rather than what they’re imbibing.

“I’m not pregnant, I just gained a few pounds—thanks for noticing!”

Dr. Dympna Weil, an ob-gyn in Albany, N.Y., grew up with a mom addicted to alcohol—an experience she describes as overshadowing every part of her childhood and young-adult life. When people ask why she doesn’t have a cocktail in hand at social gatherings, she’s usually direct: “I don’t drink at all. My mom was an alcoholic, so it just never interested me.”

Read More: How to Relax and Unwind Without Drinking Alcohol

Sometimes, though, the questions have turned invasive—with people wondering if she’s abstaining because she’s pregnant. Those questions “suck,” she says, “and accordingly, my replies were not as chill.” She’d often opt for a slightly snide remark about her weight, which was especially useful when she had, in fact, put on some pounds. “It usually left the inquisitor gobsmacked and slightly embarrassed,” Weil recalls. Don’t be surprised if the other person busies themselves by grabbing another drink—and forgetting all about what you are or are not consuming.