Join My Matreon! | The New Yorker

Family, here’s some big news: I have just launched a Matreon account, and I’m inviting you to be a part of this exciting community!

I know what you’re thinking: Mom, why should I pay for all the great content I’ve been enjoying for free all these years?

Because Matreon puts creators like me first! Matreon is changing the way domestic work is valued. Matreon is where I’m able to unleash my wildest ideas, powered by the people who love what I do, even if they don’t ever say, out loud, that they love it.

What do you get by becoming a paid subscriber?
Fun stuff like daily clues to where I keep the car keys, what the latest streaming passwords are, and the code to the lockbox where I stash the Entenmann’s Crumb Topped Donuts. A paid subscription unlocks the bags of stuff I picked up off the floor of your room in a rage and hid—plus so much more!

Consider one of these membership tiers:

Third-Born
At this level, you’ll have access to my official Matreon newsletter and private Facebook group, which are how I’ll communicate with you from now on. Stay up to date on my whereabouts and activities so you can be sure to FaceTime me while I’m in the middle of a work meeting. Need a word of encouragement before an algebra test? Your favorite snack added to the grocery list? A hug? Upgrade!

Prodigal
At this level, you’ll get all the benefits of the previous level plus bonus content, like attendance at all after-school programs and performances, including those involving stringed instruments, experimental theatre, and sporting events less than ten miles from the house.

Favorite
By becoming a Favorite, you’ll enjoy the perks of all previous levels, plus you’ll be eligible for priority boarding in the minivan for the morning school run. At the Favorite level, you’ll have access to exclusive features like Ask Me Anything. Once a month, you’ll join me at the dinner table, set by your own loving hand, and enjoy a non-fried, non-battered protein, a cruciferous side, and a salad. In this intimate forum, you’ll have unfettered access to me, Mom, to ask me anything.

Some sample A.M.A. questions from the current Favorite community include: Have you seen my phone? Can I have the car? Can I have a sleepover? Can you transfer money into my account? Can you pick me up after band? If I can’t have the car, can you drive me to the mall? Not the one within walking distance of the house, but the good one, across town? Can you bring cupcakes to school for my half birthday? What really happened to the very large array of Legos on the living-room floor? Did the Lego company really go out of business and stop making all Legos? No topic is off limits!

At the Favorite level, you’ll be automatically entered into a monthly lottery for tickets to exclusive live, in-person meetups such as Conscious Mommy™. Attendees at official Conscious Mommy™ events get a private audience during the five minutes between me getting into bed with my book and me falling asleep with said book on my face.

As a subscriber, you’ll be paying me directly for the value I’m giving you, such as laundry service, late-night homework hand-holding, lunch-packing, bedroom dish collection, and reminder services. Your support through Matreon helps fans like you get more of what you love and helps matrons like me get . . . well, if not the salary I deserve, at least enough to finally quit my day job. It’s a win-win model. ♦